I begrudgingly apologize to you, Iowa. You do exist and are not a massless quantum coverup devoid of life.

I thought that, because I've come SO close to your borders and visited, repeatedly, every state surrounding you, that the only reason for me never to have entered your Tall Corn borders was that, logically, you didnt exist. The Hawkeyes, those Supernatural episodes set in you, Des Moines' pronounciation(...well that one was a notch for Iowa's nonexistence, you can get away with one silent S, but TWO...come on now.) are all part of a massive cosmic coverup undergone by the government to keep Puerto Rico from being the 51st state. 50 is nice and round and Puerto Rico isnt even predominantly white. So I thought that the US wanted to say they already had 50 states.

Well anyway, Im sorry and I was wrong. I was recently taken, against my stubborn strong-held ignorant beliefs, from Kansas City to Chicago using the Iowa route.
You, Iowa, are actually quite pretty. Your Sun resembles that of my own land's. And your borders did not include a neverending fall into oblivion. My bad.

The Hood

A blood soaked past, one thought long left behind comes roaring back when the shadows move once more. The world as we know it begins to crumble and a decision must be made to either take the fight to the tormentors or be hunted down and fall victim to an unknown fate.

An insatiable thirsts for answers and vengeance awakens and consumes the mind of a humble societal servant...Well, that and a mysterious disembodied voice. They lead her and the rest of the select few into a life impossible. A life of danger, adventure, freaks, dubious loyalties, ice skates and rampant apathy towards romance. A life destined for greatness? Or is it the beginning of the end for all of us?

Cliches and intellectual theft are aplenty as an average girl with an itch for archery, a kid, a soldier, a total dweeb, a sniper, and a renegade royal take charge. They are our last defense. They are our only defense. And they have theological issues.

The Hood. (Insert Terminator Sarah Connor Chronicles End Credits Theme)

Influenced by Robin Hood, Angel/Buffy, Supernatural, Aliens in America and The Britannica Guide to GENETICS!, Farscape, Pushing Daisies, Doctor Who, and my own life aka The Source.

Case Study: Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

12:40 am. As you space out into the starry smog of a big city not realizing your tv turned on by itself, you hear a faint sound from behind you. Its the sound of bad jokes. Its the sound of awkward self depreciation. Its the sound of the ghost of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Its this ghost that Late Night newcomer Jimmy Fallon is trying to vanquish.
Night in and night out, people miss Conan...not the right people, but the smart people. We have to make due for now with Jimmy Fallon. He is the best thing in Late night non Daily Show/Colbert Report tv.
Conclusion first, Jimmy is good at some things and bad at others.

Fallon, or JFallz, as he is lovingly called, is coming into his own. His monologues are a good. With his Weekend Update past, he is solid at making lame current event jokes funny even if it may be for the wrong reason (much like Coco).

The skits are also a good. They are very odd which is always a plus. Slow Jamming the News works, that Kareoke (I dont care how its spelled this is America, we conquered racism) with conservative pundit lyrics, those stupid games the audience plays, President of the Audience. All lovably weird (Like a pregnant mousepad).

The weakness of Fallon resides in his rotten interview skills. He acts as though he is a famous person talking to a famous person. Its very unappetizing to watch a conversation as opposed to an interview with pleasant banter and tomfoolery. BAD JFallz. Its not a curable ailment either. Craig Ferguson (barf), Ryan Seacrest, Mario Lopez, you are people who should be interviewees. Fallon sadly falls in the same gene poo.

There is also one area that Fallon , try as his little heart might, can never reproduce. Genuine innocence. Its a rare quality to be hip, opinionated, respected and childlike simultaneously. Stewart, Colbert and O'Brien pull it off some how but Fallon wants it too much. You can see it in that apple mouse he has. He is definitely a Mac.

The biggest plus is of course The Roots. Nuff Said about that.

Jimmy I accept thee.

Oh and the announcer dude is funny.

Best Muslim on TV: Abed Nadir (Community) Vs. Arastoo Vaziri (Bones)

March 11, 2010 at 5:32pm

Abed Nadir is the Phoebe Buffey of the Community gang. Abed is Muslim but not a great one (based on seen activities). He is very accurately portraying the conflicted American Muslim college student who is somewhat detached from his faith. He (that one time) drank, possible girl interaction (the frisky kind) and hes doing film (right?). Abed is a whimsical, light, enjoyable character and brings a smile to faces with his odd facial expressions and very obscure pop-culture refs. His Don Draper, his Vampire, his Judd Nelson AND all the antics with Troy just vex my inner hyena. And with lines like

Abed: Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds waaay more like sarcasm. Inflection is soooo interesting.

Abed's family exists to make fun of, but so do the rest of the peripheral characters so no biggy. The simple fact that a Muslim character is portrayed in a positive light carries weight.

(Note: quality equality race jokes are made. "Hey Phantom Menace, hows the trade embargo with the Naboo" hits us while "duck sause" nails the east asians. Also the inner family argument about the cousin who wears a burqa wanting to go play in the bouncy house was very nice. But thats a commentary on the show, not Abed)

The Muslim aspect is a layer within a complex character and through his actions we see that he is not entirely on the straight path. In terms of most ENJOYABILITY, he wins but not this time. So the winner has to be...

Arastoo Vaziri! And here is why:
After blowing his accent cover and refusing an alcoholic beverage, he had to explain why an American can be a Muslim and work in a scientific field. (This is on FOX people!)

Arastoo: "There is no conflict between Allah and science. Allah created the mysteries of the world and science struggles and mostly fails to explain it. But the search for truth is honorable and I honor Allah for the search for truth"

Hodgins: "I get it, but whats with the 'kill the infidel' routine?

Arastoo: "Its times like these i wish i drank alcohol."

Angela: "Fight and slave the unbelievers." (Uh OH!I think shes testing him!!!)

Arastoo: "I prefer the other option, which is to enslave the unbeliever"
[Silence and everyone stares in shock]
"Its a joke..."(PWN3D!!)


He isnt in every episode but when hes on, his Muslim colors shine bright while the obstacles fire all around him. He bested a lesbian (Angela), he out Americaned a cop (Cam), and with a flex of his "humorus" he proclaims his throne as Best Muslim On TV!!!

Honorable Mentions: Dr. Julian Bashir (Star Trek) and Raja Musharaff (Aliens in America)
Disqualified for lack of subtlety: Entire Cast of Characters of Little Mosque on the Prairie.

Why Id make a fabulous super villain. Why I want to be like Sylar and what that means.

March 5, 2010 at 2:47am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqZMlSZzUu8

A super villain almost always loses. This is not fair. Actually, even when they win, its always the "they didnt know the extent of their deeds" business and it ends with them not wanting to have done it in the first place. (There are, of course, exceptions: Memento, Garden State, Angel?, Fight Club) That said, its still WAY more fun than being the guy the villains put stress on.

If I was a super villain (my power would obviously be a gun for a hand) I wouldnt mind the inevitable loss. Id actually look forward to it. This is what will make me dangerous...the most dangerous. I will be ruthless...the most ruthless. I will be the law that knows an amendment is coming for it and just screw up as many lives until that vote is passed.

A super villain needs a purpose. Mine would be to be a massive inconvenience. I have no real goal and that makes me the worst kind of evil. Unstoppable and unpredictable. Ill rob a bank of a dollar then ill punt a baby and nobody will see it coming.

Now, a super villain is an instrument of Death. I will model myself like Sylar (of old). I wouldn't hesitate to kill you (remember, im a villain). And by "you" i mean my archnemesis and anyone who stands in my way of (possible) world domination and stealing one Fudgsicle from a grocery store (delicious and more likely) while busting up a couple of handsome shelf restockers Fight Club style. See, i will not hesitate to cap a person who even looks at me funny. Ill even double tap to make sure no zombie be comin all up at me. But this is all grim, I have better reasons to be a fabulous super villain..the most fabulous.

My costume would be very cool looking. This is mostly because any "cool" outfit looks good on me as is. Its just a given, I don't even need to work out or anything. Though i will. Heck lets make sure i can throw a 25 lb dumbbell through dry wall before i get started. (gotta have dramatic flare)

I can use anything as a weapon. A box? Flung at your face. A jacket? Flung at your face. A guitar? Used as a bow and arrow. And the personal Fav: An Afro Pick? Endless unimaginable impossibilities of the worst horrors any human or sentient being can endure. (I jam that thing...I jam it in your face)

Id drive very recklessly yet in complete control. I just have this sixth sense about driving fast. Like a male Dale Earnhardt Jr.

I have a secret base in mind that is perfect. It has a bathroom, bedroom, closet AND kitchen so you know i can sleep all night if i have to work on a plan or something.

My silent stare is very powerful. I scrunch up my lips, my pupils are up showing lots of eye white. The menacing beard is at its best. For effect, i can mutter, in a really dark tone, "thats enough." Beautiful.

The rest of my credentials are my ruthlessness. Its modeled after the Joker and Sylar with a little Spongebob and Patrick mixed in for good measure. I will not let the Hero say a word. "Oh you can help me with info? I dont care!" BAM dead. Thats it. No yip yap no "there is a better way" and no hostages! Mythbusters proved that the diving in with guns blazing thing works. Instead of letting the good guys hunt me down, ill just watch my back and dive in guns blazing whenever i see fit...or get bored. Im a Villain baby. Im Evil.

My next task: A choice. Do i apply for Every Villain Is Lemons or the Evil League of Evil.

Note: Ive read "How to be a super villain"...so yeah.'

Just becasue you've "seen it before" doesn't mean its not still awesome! LEARN SOME EPICS PEOPLE!!

March 2, 2010 at 3:16pm

Warning: Geeklingo is all up in here, keep dealing with it.

The Matrix. Lord Of the Rings. 300. All beloved movies.
Any slo mo dodge. Anything Fantasy. Anything using slow mo kicks. All belittled as little bunny copy cats.

The latest spark of insanity is seen in the reviews for Alice in Wonderland. Apparently, it has a "generic battle climax similar to any number of others in CGI-heavy movies of the past few years." What are you telling me Todd McCarthy "top critic?" That i can't have another helping of epic sauce on my fictional war burger? RIDICULUS! Just becasue we've seen it once, and loved it (even if that "once" was is pronounced the Spanish way) does not reduce how impressive a fake cling clang brawl can be. After seeing the war scene, its clear how unfair the review is. When have we ever seen a scene where a girl beheads Christopher lee (sort of). NO WHERE! Subtleties baby. Look at the subtleties.

Ladies and gentleman we need to get over our need for seeing the bigger or the better. Its not gonna happen. It took humanity 150,000 years after Primordial Eve to finally give us Bullet Time. We need to be more lax in our judgments.

Even Avatar. Dozens of claims of ripoffs and yet, its so much more. Its its own entity. Yeah we've seen the "gone native" format before but didnt we award the crap out it? Costner got freakin Oscar, Disney won oodles of acclaim for ol' Pocky, and America has an unhealthy obsession with Smurfs as it is. (Also, nobody seems angry that Avatar even used Wes Studi, the habitual native!) My point is that its the old "never can have too much of a good thing" thing. If Avatar was not in 3D, by all means, tear it apart.

The major problem that people saw with Watchmen (and to a lesser extent, Harry Potter) was that it was too reverent. That is the dumbest thing ever heard. An adaptation is an adaptation. It is supposed to resemble the words on the page except the words have sounds and visuals. Morons.

Speaking of! The pool of original ideas is drying up anyway, isnt it best not to take a poo on live action adaps? Its mostly what we have left. Its better than Transmorphers or The Terminators. Now those movies should burn in hell.

(This gets me to another much less popular point. Speed Racer was an amazing movie. It was all whirly and spacey and mostly kid friendly AND it was NEW!! But God forbid we get too into epicness. That movie was scored by an Academy Award winner!)

How about TV shows. Dont the masses already flock to the generic "objection" dramas and the "ow it hurts but i dont know why!!!" shows? (yes) Then why is it that we can't have a show that is both exactly like X files and a ripoff of Indiana Jones and not simply enjoy it for the residual effects amassed by that holy combination (Warehouse 13). (and im not talking to E!, they, aside from the Soup which makes fun of E!, suck.) I know that Dollhouse is "Matrixing" (so too is Caprica but no complaints from that front yet) but that's not what should be focused on. Focus on how freakin cool it is! Its not like the characters have rhyming names. Also, why not have another FBI + not FBI buddy show if its got some good dialogue?

Now some of my points may seem stupid.

Another thing that bothers me is the whole 300 fiasco. Yeah Legend of the Seeker is over dramatic and uses slo mo when not need (which is awesome) and yeah Spartacus Blood and Sand looks just like it, but they are so epic and sometimes, Epic is as epic does. Its OK to like slo mo people!

Oh and when it comes to Sci Fi. Its all racism! You CAN tell them apart if you give them the time! (I too judge sometimes)

What about blatant ripoffs? (Sort of like Owl City and Postal Service but for visuals...OH like The Fast and the Furious and Point Break!) There has to be a line somewhere right? Fine. A] There has to be some sort of acknowledgment. James Cameron straight up admitted to dance with wolves. B] The quality has to be on par. Mission to Mars and Red Planet. Both very similar. Both well done. No problem. C] It has to offer something that wasn't part of the previous formula. The stories for Antz and A bug's Life were fairly unique. One had Paul from Spin city, the other had SLY!

Tah freakin dah. Plain and simple, If its well done enough being a ripoff is irrelevant.

How there is nothing like the feeling a story with a happy ending and just deserts for all will bequeath me with.

February 11, 2010 at 6:37pm

Warning: Geeklingo be up in here, deal with it!

This topic is a strange one, and by "this topic," i mean kumquats. Well im not talking about kumquats I'm talking about happy endings in fiction (heck lets throw that blanket around non fiction too) Im going to focus in on Dollhouse in particular since its current...recent. Ive heard complaints about how lackluster this finale was. I say, all those complaints are ridiculous.

Anticlimactic? Of course it is. They practically ended the series with a boom the previous week, did everyone just forget about the whole building blowing up? This was meant to be an epilogue. This is what happens afterwords. (yes, thats the definition of epilogue) It also seems like people are forgetting that this is a show that got canceled. That means that the fact that we get an ending at all is worth more than a stupid climax (which already happened) can offer. Lets never forget that the series was canceled. They shoved 4 years of story into this and they demand something from the audience. They need us to fill holes they they feel we have the imagination to fill.

A similar situation had occurred last year with Harry Potter 6. People just expect things that are irrational. HBP is meant to be pure filler. its not an ending, it has no real beginning. Asking for anything else is moronic. With HBP i saw a well made high production valued filler flick that was quite enjoyable. Going back to Dollhouse, what I saw was a perfect ending that brought a close to very big questions. Id even argue that Ballard was the Main Character of the story. Sure sure Echo is yada yada, and Sierrtor are the most lovable couple but Ballard is central to the story. He is the engine while Echo is the fuselage. Plus his is the only story that has a beginning middle and end.

The other complaint i can see happening is that it didnt leave you in a shocked state like Angel or Terminator TSCC do. Im ok with this also. When comparing you will see that those other fantastic endings are not endings (ill just leave it at that) while this one is definitive. Its a bookend.

Let me swivel away a bit and focus on Happy ending. Now my definition of happy ending is disagreeable. Its when the most awesome characters come out victorious. I say its a disagreeable definition because its completely wrong and irrational. But. Whatever. Its satisfying, ergo Happy. I want all endings to be happy. No Babels and no Crash. I want to be able to root for someone and then something acceptably awesome o happen to them (for better or worse). The key is awesomeness.

Generally speaking, a good ending for this antihero (i just called myself an anti hero) is one that is simple, powerful, just, and awesome.